Party Time?
Friday, December 31, 2010
No, I'm not referring to New Year's eve. I'm talking about Giant Debaucherous Party Time.That's right, I've found and officially accepted a JOB. Employment. Profession. Pretending to do productive things between weekends.
(I saw a couple porkers flap by my 3rd story window this morning...)
What is it, you ask? Well, it's for one of those do-gooder, tree-hugging. non-profit, hyphenated-adjective companies, which pays employees in warm-hugs and liberal-guilt-relief instead of, say, American-Dollars. Thus the question mark at the end of "Party Time?" -- there may not be funds for a party, maybe only Giant Home Potluck With Charades/Pictionary.
This is disappointing, I know. I'm trying to find a workaround... (or at least some alcohol). Stay tuned.
I hear the ring is big.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My brother got engaged on December 23rd. I heard about it on xmas eve."You're the 5th person to know!" he exclaimed, and waited for me to express gratitude for my level of priority. Instead, I wondered how being #5 would be considered a compliment, considering that he has 3 family members. (In his defense, it took 3 months for anyone to tell me that my grandmother passed away, so maybe we're showing improvement.)
"Dammit, this makes me feel old," I replied. "Is the wedding soon?"
"Oh gawd. I'm not even thinking about THAT STUFF... yuck!" He twisted his face with disgust.
"Well let me know when you find out," I said. He had bought the engagement ring a few weeks back, and I had told some friends about it. "Because I already invited like, everyone I know."
Free alcohol...! Bring your friends!!
How old am I
Monday, December 20, 2010
This Sunday is my high school's 10 year reunion -- I am invited to attend one of the most terrifying, movie-dramatic inventions of our era.Knowing myself, I will almost definitely show up halfway through the reunion dressed in my pajamas, as I fully admit to being the exact same bratty person that I was at 18, when I habitually showed up halfway through class in whatever I was wearing at the time. (pajamas, generous quantities of eye-gunk, grumpy half-asleep attitude)
If that does happen, I will get many chances to respond to the inevitable "So what have you been up to?" with the very desirable answer "Being perpetually homeless and unemployed, and investing in a string of failed relationships."
Needless to say...
New ideas for high school reunion small talk:(Umm, any suggestions welcome, please please...)
- "I'm an entrepreneur in free-time investing."
- "I know it appears I've been in therapy for years, but really, I'm helping counselors hone their practice, and also paying them!"
- "A few have proposed, but I'm holding out for more hotness/jet planes."
- "Poor? Of course not! The holes in my jeans were professionally tailored to match my skin tone."
- "In fact, my skin is even more radiant now than it was at 18!"
Hellooooo
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I noticed a set of books at the store, each with an eye-catching title. "Insults and Comebacks." "Jokes." "Pickup Lines."Having promised that I would
use a pickup line on a stranger someday, I studied that one first. Inside this book, each page was titled with a location; pickup lines for use in that location were listed below.Laundromat:Near the end of the book, I was happy to finally find the page for me, titled: "Women to Men." I was eager to study the material, and commit the concepts to memory. These are the lines it listed.
Hey, the whites go in with the red socks, right?
Grocery store:
What a small world. I belong to the Safeway club too!
Women to Men:My new middle name: Pick Up Artist.
Hello.
Hi.
Where is the restroom?
Third floor please.
No, thanks.
Diagnosis: Yellow Fever
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
My friend S. was telling me about his new girlfriend. Apparently this girl is in some denial about her Asian background, evidenced by the fact that: she doesn't date Asian men, doesn't date guys who habitually date Asian girls, and most telling, completely refuses to use chopsticks.Me: So did you lie and say you date white girls?
S: Hey, I dated white girls in college.
Me: Uhuh. Did you date Asian girls too?
S: Maybe one. [ hesitates ] ... and a half.
Me: So there were only one-and-a-half Asian girls at your college?
S: I'm not answering that.
