Dude #1
Friday, December 23, 2011
Having returned un-triumphant from my Vegas trip - without any rich new husbands - I begin to conduct those dates I scheduled before, confident that I will soon discover my wealthy, breakdancing, comedian prince from Australia/Italy/[Other Hot Nationality Here]. Also, that he will certainly own a jet plane... you know, because justice just has to work that way.Dude #1 -- excerpt from profile:
The first thing people notice about me:As this first coffee meeting doubled as a test of online-dating in general, I chatted briefly with Dude#1, before asking him how these things typically go. His answer was "Way worse that this," and he described at length how bad they usually are.
I look like a mad scientist!!! Mad as in zany, not angry. And maybe not even zany. But definitely science-esque.
This was more than a little awkward, and I hope that this was not really his best date. Later in the evening [I am not making this up] he asked me for permission to
(1) 'Dude. Don't ask that question to future dates' andI decided to reply with a simple "I'd rather not."
(2) 'You're a virgin aren't you?'
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Dude #1: No breakdancing prince.
He did look like a mad scientist though! Kinda Awesome.
Vegas
Thursday, December 15, 2011
"Oh my gaaaawwd! You are SO CUTE!"
Although we worked very hard in Vegas, Coworker and I found a window of time between 10pm and 6am for a brief break from our immense responsibilities. After some drinks at the first Vegas club, Coworker was hanging off guys' arms and raving about how cute they were.
"If I weren't married, I would marry you!!!" she exclaimed. Then, given that I am not married, she would command "Laura, come here! Isn't he just SO CUTE!? You should sleep with him!!!"
Although we worked very hard in Vegas, Coworker and I found a window of time between 10pm and 6am for a brief break from our immense responsibilities. After some drinks at the first Vegas club, Coworker was hanging off guys' arms and raving about how cute they were.
"If I weren't married, I would marry you!!!" she exclaimed. Then, given that I am not married, she would command "Laura, come here! Isn't he just SO CUTE!? You should sleep with him!!!"
---
After collecting a few more drinks in the next Vegas club (thanks, So-Cute-Guy-#2 and So-Cute-Guy-#3!) memory of the weekend gets a little fuzzy.
If I did pick up a ridiculously rich husband, maybe he's one of the guys in this collection of business cards & napkin-digits in my purse? Either that, or one of the new contacts in my phone labeled "Hot Tub Guy" and "Martini Dude w hair."
Still hoping to discover vague memories of becoming a trophy wife in Vegas, though chances are looking slimmer with each passing day. Disappointing. To cheer myself up, I'm giving myself the pat-on-the-back for the digit collection win... at least until I find the jet plane.
Staying on Track
Thursday, December 08, 2011
As an almost-30 year old, on the verge of a significant decade marker in life, I contemplate my progress through life quite frequently. What am I supposed to be doing? Am I succeeding? Why haven't I become a trophy wife yet?To address these important questions, I constructed 
a long-term plan that will keep me on track. Starting this weekend!
a long-term plan that will keep me on track. Starting this weekend![1] In Vegas: Marry rich old dude this weekend, while still a qualified youthful 20-something. Then... be rich! Drink champagne! Try eating "foie gras." Fly on personal jet plane at least once.[2] Mid-term: Make (or purchase?) a Little Laura or two. Get divorced and lose custody, so I only have to watch the kids once a month. Use Little Laura(s) to see cute kid movies, without people at the theater thinking I'm a weirdo.[3] Long-term: Invest hard-earned divorce $ on a face-lift, and white Jaguar convertible. Be a hot cougar! If Little Laura(s) grow out of kid movies, simply replace them with similarly-aged young men.
Candidates
Sunday, December 04, 2011
"Y'all dun comin' for beer?"On our Houston business trip, Coworker and I blasted country music in the car, talked with exaggerated Texas accents, and drank so many beers we fell over on the street our way back to the hotel.
Next weekend for work, we are going to Vegas.
---
In the meantime, I have narrowed the date applicants to a short-list of candidates! They are:
- A lawyer who tells lawyer jokes.
- French dude, who is an executive French chef.
- An engineer who thinks my fart jokes are funny.
I have assigned them each a time slot, and informed them of where to show up. If they drive the 30 miles to meet during their assigned time, I'll travel the other 4 blocks to the coffee shop, and allow them to purchase me a beverage.
