Stinky no more
Friday, May 25, 2007
One week ago today -- I had a fart coming on. Being the passenger in a car, I decided to roll down the window in preparation for the fart, hoping to minimize damage. Thirty seconds later, "Eew, was that you!?" shrieked the driver, as he rolled down the window for self-preservation.
In light of this recent occurence, I have decided that I should consider a diet that keeps my farting (and fart stinkiness) to a minimum. As an experimental scientist, I have chosen some variables to change and have begun to test them while holding other things constant. Beginning with suspicious foods to avoid:Beans
Lentils
Milk
Cheese
Eggs
And adding possible helper foods:
Yogurt
Ginger
Lots of water
I finish off with my very own Good Digestion Exercise Routine. I figure that sitting at a desk all day does not get the food in my gut moving around properly. That is why every day, I am commited to 3 full minutes of abdominal stretches, three times daily. (like hoola-hooping, or maybe belly dancing) The theory being, that this will keep things in my stomach movings around.
Will it work? I'll keep you updated. (So far my farts are still stinky.)
Aftermath
Friday, May 18, 2007
You know you're old when...It's Friday and you still haven't recovered from partying last weekend.
The cocktail party was a doozy in the making. Case of champagne, exotic cheese, live jazz. People that came in the beginning were wow-ed by our presentation.
"Your party was lovely," Julia told me as I entered the office on Monday. I smirked. "Umm, yeah," I replied recalling all the debauchery.
The best part of the party (in my opinion) was while I was peeing. After I had entered the bathroom and sat down on the throne, someone opened the door. Not good.
It was Shannon.
"Phil!" she exclaimed, as she closed the door behind her. "I really need to make out with someone, but the guy I want to make out with is being chased by another chick."
She sighed loudly and put her hands on her hips.
"Um, I'm sorry?" I wondered if she realized that I was peeing. "Maybe you can make out with a girl."
Shannon was just feeling left out of the party. Basically everyone there had just started making out with random people. There were in bedrooms, on the porch, on the side of the house, everywhere. It was like Spin The Bottle with no bottle, and everyone was way to old to be playing.
I couldn't wait for the next morning, when all the drama broke loose, and I got to appriase the aftermath. Afterwards, I imagined a lot of people anwering the question "So are you dating?" with the answer "I don't know."
Losing at Cards
Thursday, May 10, 2007
My exboyfriend liked playing poker. Having played some poker myself, I was a wonderful girlfriend and took him to the local poker club, where I figured he'd get a kick out of playing at some real poker tables. I was right.
Once I introduced him to poker heaven, I didn't him for a very long time. And whenever I did, he was extremely underslept and totally screwed for money. It was not good. And we broke up.
So now, it's been a long time and I hear about that boyfriend through the grapevine. Guess what he's doing... playing poker. But that's not the kicker. He is making money! Lots of money.
How unfair!
I think that I deserve a guy who's either
1) there for me, or
2) makes lots of money.
Now his new just-turned-21 girlfriend is reaping the benefits of my labor. I hope she's using him for the cash. In my imagination, she uses it to buy Barbies.
Invisible
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Monday morning, I tip-toed into the office at 11:30am, hoping nobody would notice my tardiness. Also, I was avoiding Mr Couch Crasher, or any questions from gossipy co-workers about the incident. Of course, an office-wide meeting was taking place, and I walked right into it accidentally.
"Laura!" everyone exclaimed in unison.
It was completely silent for several seconds, as the entire company stared at me expectantly.
I didn't know what to say.
"How was your weekend?" Julia piped in. "Did you sleep well?"
I couldn't believe this was happening. "Uhh..." I responded. I am so eloquent.
Sarah and Dave giggled for a minute. Julia and Tom exchanged glaces.
I wondered what explanation I was going to make for myself, rather unsuccessfully. Finally, someone else began to speak.
"Hey," Pam said, "did you know you drunk called me this weekend!?"
She was very excited. She decided to address company as well. "Laura drunk called me this weekend!"
Julia fell over laughing.
My professional life is not progressing as planned.
