A Threat to Our Atmosphere
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
TYLER ST -- Laura deals with real-life issues. I’ve been thinking a lot about global warming recently. Global warming is a serious threat to the survival of our ecosystem and planet as a whole, and thinking about this pressing issue has been an effective way to get my mind off of the fart smell in my room.
Josh was the first one to point out the smell when he walked into my room the other day. “Sniff sniff,” warned josh’s nose as it entered the outskirts of the odor zone, pleading Josh not to proceed. Faced with the heart-wrenching decision between spending quality time with a meaningful long-time girlfriend and escaping fart smell, the mature and understanding Josh cleverly worked his way through the possibly embarrassing situation by looking me in the eye and in a sincere tone, saying “Have you been farting again?”
Before answering this question, I thought it only fair to consider the cross-cultural variation in fart perception and the underlying unfairness with which I was being treated. For example, the Japanese consider it polite to burp loudly at the dinner table to express satisfaction with the meal. This shows that burping, which is considered to be rude or gross in our country, is not something one should be embarrassed about. This is a great piece of information for anyone struggling with their burping reflex, and has nothing to do with farting which is unrelated to burping and smells far more like poopy. At this point, I abandoned the whole culture thing and started thinking about my dad instead. My dad has a notably impressive ability to fart. During my childhood, my father’s fart would escape out from inside the bed where he was sleeping, emanate through the room, and penetrate the closed door behind which my brother and I sat and giggled our asses off. Although this was really funny at the time, it was a lot less funny at the moment when my room stank of doodoo and I realized that approximately 50% of my farting genes have been inherited from this man.
For the next few days, I self-consciously tip-toed into the backyard every time I felt a need for gaseous relief coming on. There, I could guiltlessly relieve myself in the human-less presence of patio furniture. Unfortunately, the smell persisted. In fact, the enduring fart odor survived through the initial opening of windows, stayed after taking out the trash, and even continued past a series increasingly meticulous room cleanings. Over time, its strength and staying power tacitly communicated its dominance in the realm of Laura’s room and threatened to completely take over the space without agreeing to pay rent until one fateful day when I found an incredibly stinky, 8-month old jar of “Genuine Ocean Water” that had been brought to me by a friend and was leaking in one of the cabinets in my room. After tossing this jar out the window, the era of The Smell was over.
So anyway, it was really really relieving for me to discover that this leaky jar was the actual source of the smell. Because unlike the methane gas that is released in a fart, the odor that emanates from leaky ocean water is not contributing factor in the crucial and menacing global warming threat. Finally, my conscience was cleared, and the burrito I I am currently eating tastes really good.
