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Online Stalking

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The guy that dumped me works for a website. This is detrimental to my productivity, since I regularly check his online profile to make sure that he does not have any messages from his friends. This way, I can verify my image of him as a lonely, friend-less loser.

Of course, this only works if he is, in fact, friend-less loser, which is not true.
"It was so good to see you last weekend."
"I saw your feature in the Chronicle today. Amazing!"
"Thanks for the chocolate, babe. XOXO."

I looked at the dates on the messages, and they were all posted this morning. He has 167 friends on this site. I have 3:
1) The guy who dumped me
2) The coworker of the guy that dumped me.
3) A goat. (no, I'm not kidding. It is actually a goat)

Not to imply that the coworker is as worthless as a goat. He's quite cool. For example, last time we were hanging out, we went to a concert in a club. I collected a few drinks from the losers at the bar, and subsequently fell in love with the beautiful, blonde, electric violinist who was performing on stage. She was like an angel.

I didn't think I had any chance of wooing an angel, but after the performance, Coworker helped me to locate her so that I could express my feelings. According to his version of the story (which I can't remember) I was very excited to speak to her, and I said "Dude, if I had a penis, I would totally do you."

And that makes me happy. (Thanks, Coworker!)  ¶ 11:09 AM