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Hungry Ego

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When you tell people that you’ve been dumped, you get lots of attention and sympathy. I figure this is way better than saying that you dumped somebody, which makes people think you’re full of yourself. You don’t get any compliments for being egocentric.

Using this logic, I decided that the break-up I went through last week should be recounted as a dumping session where I get teary-eyed and heartbroken. “Oh, he’s going to regret that,” I imagine my friends saying to me, as I tell them my tale of woe. “He had an ugly head anyway.”

In my favorite daydream, I start talking about my feelings of rejection, but my smartest friends just roll their eyes at me. “Oh come on,” they protest, as I tell them about my low self esteem. I put my hand over my heart as if they have just stabbed me with their words, but they just continue glaring. “You know that it’s you that dumped him.” It takes me a moment to absorb their words, but once I do, they are smirking at me proudly. We both burst with laughter.

So today, I decided to try this in practice. “I got dumped!” I announce to two female coworkers who walk into my office. My office-mate turns around to see what’s going on. She has heard my rant about guys dumping me a few times already. To maximize the melodrama, I say that “I always get dumped. Every time.”

I mentally prepare for the string of compliments that are coming my way while the two girls study the distressed expression on my face. Finally, one of them speaks.

“Um, maybe you should brush your hair,” she says with a sneer as she looks me up and down.

“Yeah seriously,” the other girl adds. “See how our hair looks pretty?”

Office mate cringes, as the situation unfolds right before her eyes. She looks like she has something to tell me, but waits politely as the two girls look at me with disgust.

“Maybe it’s because you’re so loud. Guys like girls who laugh at their jokes. Not the other way around.”

After five or six tips on how to be more like them, I thank them for their support, which successfully prompts them to leave. Finally, Office Mate chimes in.

“Laura, why don’t you go on a blind date with my friend?” she suggests supportively. "He's a really nice guy. He's just having trouble meeting a nice girl."

I struggle not to look appalled, and try to imagine myself as a 'nice girl.'

"My husband thinks you'll really like him,” she adds, despite the fact that I have never met her husband. "He's just been down lately, ever since his wife divorced him."

Maybe telling people you got dumped is not such a good idea after all.  ¶ 2:52 PM