The food network
Monday, December 08, 2008
The food network is awful. The devil. The bane of my existence.I watch the Food Network whenever I get to a cable tv. This is why it is so bad. Once I catch a glimpse, I can't stop looking at the buttery shrimp alfredo and the impossibly-decadent creme brulee. I spend hours fantasizin
g (drooling, really) over the images of these sensuous, tender cuisines, and am overwhelmed with desire. My brother has quite appropriately nicknamed it the "food porn channel," and if my suspicions are correct, his elaborate collection of videos had to be erased from the hard drive when he was watching too much.Having unwittingly set myself down this self-destructive path, the rest of the day proceeds as follows:
1) I go through the refrigerator hoping to discover a recently-prepared serving of Italian lamb cacciatora, but I only find a jar of plum jelly, some questionable leftovers, and part of a cabbage.
2) The trip to the store is expensive and time consuming. It takes ten minutes to figure out what borragine is, much less where to find it (or in this case, what the hell could substitute for it) and then a little while longer debating whether $12 is worth spending on jar of lavendar petals that I will never use again.
3) Having decided that the lamb shanks are too expensive and much too large for one person to eat, I return to my house having wasted $45 on two lamb chops, no lavendar, no borragine, one bottle of wine and one head of garlic. Plus, a red onion, because hey, red onions are good with lamb, right?
4) Two hours later: Seven-eighths of a bottle of wine sitting on the counter, piles of dishes flooding my the sink, and one dry, over-baked lamb dish that lacks in seasoning but tastes awkwardly onion-y, which completely fails to satiate any craving for Itialian cacciatora.
Fortunately, cable TV also provides the Catholic Evangelist Channel, where I can pay for my sins using three easy installments of only $299.99 (call in the next 15 minutes, and get a free baptism!). I think they got that idea from The Ab-erciser and free Onion Chopper Turbo combo deal on HSN. Anyway, the Catholic guy can cure blindness and stuff, so I imagine he would be able to release me back to real life, where I am supposedly contributing to society by developing clean, carbon free solar energy (but am usually writing blog entries and eavesdropping on coworkers who I suspect are slacking on the job.)
