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Shh... They might hear us

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BERKELEY -- Laura retreats from the enemy invasion.

So there i was, innocently sitting in my room doing a bit of reading when They infiltrated my home. There were tons of Them, intimidatingly riding in on their eco-friendly bicycles, filling the living room with dread locks and nose rings and leather-free footwear. Quietly, whispered criticisms hissed through the kitchen, as the invaders spied the tree-chopping napkins and animal-killing plastics that, to the trained eye, helplessly failed to blend in amongst the biodegradable items which made up the majority population in the kitchen. Their sheer numbers dictated their dominance of the household. At 733 59th street, the Tree Huggers have taken over.

My roommate, Mike, is currently hosting a dinner party that seems to have filled up most of the house. Although I was invited to participate, I decided pass up on the oh-so-tempting meal of squash soup and boiled wheat gluten "chicken" for a chance to retreat to my room and make fun of them in a blog-typing silence. From this chair at my desk, i have a pretty decent view of the living room and some fabulous eavesdropping capabilities. So far, I have been taken quite a few notes on their behaviors.

The party is make up primarily of hippie-looking types with birkenstocks and long, messy hair. There are at least two different guests who's gender i have been unable to identify, despite several attempts to execute classic Boob Spotting Tactic. I use this as a last resort after the voice pitch identification method fails. I have used the B.S.T. strategy quite a number of times since moving in, but rarely with any success. It really is a desperate last resort. I have no idea where my roommates are finding these genderless "It" people to befriend. But whatever method they are using seems to be rather affective for both spotting and befriending It people. Lacking the ability myself, I sometimes like to sit in my room and imagine what it might be like in the mysterious It world. To my knowledge, the science community has yet to uncover how these beings procreate and prolong their species.

So far, my favorite person i have noticed at the dinner is the long-haired, lightly bearded, Jesus-looking fellow. No respectable group of hippies should ever be without a Jusus fellow. This particular group of hippies' Jesus fellow sits cross-legged amongst the group of tree huggers in the living room. They have been chatting about mutual friends and catching up on each other's lives. Jesus was pretty silent during most of the commotion, calmly taking in the atmoshere and observing his surroundings. He listened for quite some time before he finally spoke. The entire room of hippies turned to look at him while he talked. "Peter is an asshole," he said. "He's incredibly overweight too." In response, someone said something about how much Peter likes to talk about biking, but that they doubt Peter could really be that great of a biker, given his body type and all. Jesus agreed, "yeah, he does that all the time. I mean, it's ok if Peter wants to be an asshole. I don't care. But i agree, he can't even fix his own bicycle." Hmm.

It makes me frustrated when people who deem themselves better than me for their love-all-creatures-equally policy talk shit about their "friends" who are currently out of the room. I think it's liberals like these that ruin it for the rest of us. They gather in the 'acceptance' societies of Berkeley and San Francisco as an escape from the rest of the world where they obviously could not cope. They talk berkeley politics about the unfairness of racism and prejudice, and how all old white rich men are closed minded bastards. They drown in their own hypocrisies, which they give into as a way of dealing with their own weaknesses and fear of being left out, outcasted or abandoned in society. Sometimes, i tire of Berkeley folk and am grateful for my Palo Alto weekends. I wonder if they knew where i was from, if they would talk shit about me too.

Anyway, i might as well stop being so anti-social and go give some vegan food a try, even if the people are a little crazy. Honestly, I don't blame them. I'd be bitter too if my friends made me eat boiled wheat gluten.   ¶ 8:00 PM